These last, I don’t know, eleven months have been a whirlwind. When I last left all of you, we were trying to decide the age-old question of are we done? Well, the answer we decided on is a whole lot different than the announcement photo you just saw. I don’t even know where to start, so I guess let’s start there; January of 2021.
January: My last miscarriage of our little girl, Haven, shook me. The pregnancy itself was so unexpected but met with so much excitement. I had heard stories like mine. Struggle for years and then after your first baby, boom, nature steps in, and everything clicks, a female body just knows what to do. However, that turned out not to be the case and it honestly rocked me more than any of the ones before. Why? I think because I wasn’t just mourning losing a baby, I was mourning losing the memories I knew wouldn’t come. Having a miscarriage after having an earth-side child is different. You know what you are missing out on. You know how it feels to hold that baby for the first time, to see their smile, to celebrate life’s little victories. The previous three I mourned the idea of being a mother, not the actual emotions that came with it.
After her, I wasn’t sure what would come but I knew I wasn’t done. I needed to give my body one more chance. February, March, April, May all came and went, no baby. We did the “try without trying” method. But after struggling with fertility and trying to have a baby for so many years my mind subconsciously tracked my cycle without me trying. I still knew when I was about to ovulate, I knew when my two-week wait was up. I knew all of the things I was trying to avoid thinking about.
June: Like all the other months I got my period but this time it was the first time in YEARS, I’m talking actual years I was relieved to get my period. Guilt and sadness followed the feeling of relief but that relief was the sign I needed. It showed me we were done. And to be honest I was happy with that. Our family had been through so much and I felt confident saying, that was it. We were going to be a McConnon party of three for life.
July: We started preventing. I even made an appointment with my OB to discuss more permanent options. We tossed around the idea of Shaine getting a vasectomy, but ultimately I decided I wanted to do something for myself. It had always been my body that had struggled, causing painful periods, heavy bleeding, and a lot of pelvic pain.
August: I had my appointment and we decided on tubal ligation and an IUD insertion (to help with my flow and pain), my surgery was scheduled for December 6th. In addition to setting a date, we also started talking about what we wanted our life to look like. We were content in Michigan but also we’re itching for an adventure.
Everyone was talking about how great the market was how houses were selling at an all-time high. Now we loved our house, we truly made it ours but there were certain things we could not change about it no matter what that made us start thinking. What if we sold the house, paid off our debt, and started traveling? Travel “nursing” had always been something in the back of my mind ever since I was in respiratory school, but I wanted to get enough experience before I did. And then once I had what I thought was enough experience, life had happened and we were fully invested in trying to start a family. Fast forward to now I’m dual-licensed, we are done growing our family, Shaine is ready to start a new career, and travel rates are also at an all-time high. After weeks of talking, we finally decided to go for it and set the plan in motion.
September: We contacted a realtor, put the finishing touches on the house, bought a travel trailer to live in. It all seemed so fast but being the type-A person I am, I researched, researched, and researched some more. In doing so I found a healthcare travel conference that is held in Vegas every year where travelers get together, network, and learn from each other. This year they were offering a newbie Bootcamp for people just like me who were interested but needed more information before making the jump. We went, met some amazing people and fell in love. The plan was to travel as an RN one contract and then an RT the next. Shaine was going to be a stay-at-home dad and a full-time remote college student. We were both so thrilled and just had to wait until March before we left.
October: the house officially went on the market and was sold within four days, for well over the asking price. We had an apartment lined up that we would move into right around Thanksgiving and live in until we left in March. We felt so blessed that EVERYTHING was just falling into place… until two major, major life-changing, plan-altering lines appeared.
- Monday, October 25th —
- Morning time: closed on our house! Yay, go us. Can’t wait for this next adventure.
- Monday night: filling out pre-surgery paperwork for my tubal ligation: “When was the first day of your last period?” – Ummmmm. I do not know. Instantly checks period app and I’m three days late. No worries, it’s probably the stress of selling the house. Asked Shaine to go buy me a pregnancy test so I can take it in the morning. “Do you think you are?” “No, there’s no chance, but one thing I know once I pee on the stick I’ll start my period within a few hours, it never fails”
- Tuesday, October 26th
- 2 am: Maize woke up and needed a drink of water. Gave her a drink and went back to bed, but before I crawled into bed I realized I had to pee, so since this would be my “first urination of the day” I figured I’d just test, see it was negative, and be done with it. Well, I think you know where this is going. The first drop of pee and there was already a line, the positive line showed up before the test line did. NO, NO, NO. There is no freakin way. Proceeds to march right into our room and wake Shaine up.
- 2:15 am – We are both staring at each other like, what in the actual fuck are we going to do now….
- Wednesday, October 27th – Remember that apartment we had secured, well unfortunately that is also no longer an option.
- Thursday – Sunday – Mentally and physically break down in sheer and utter panic.
November: I barely remember November. Between constant nausea, extreme exhaustion, the stress of apartment hunting, the emotional move out of our house, and the struggle of coming to terms with having another baby; I just went silent. I had always had a plan, I then had no plan. No idea what we were going to do next. We didn’t want to buy a house because of the same reason we sold, the market was just too crazy. We couldn’t travel because pregnancy is a preexisting condition and it was going to be nearly impossible to get insurance. Let alone a new OB and high-risk doc every 13 weeks. I felt lost, angry, scared, irresponsible, guilty. Every emotion – I had it. I knew this baby was a blessing, all babies are. I knew this baby was meant to be here, meant to be in our lives, there was a bigger plan for us, but I still couldn’t see it.
December: Everything babywise is looking good. Had more appointments and everything looked perfect; a very healthy, strong heartbeat time after time.
I truly know I am one of the luckiest people on this earth. I am healthy, amidst a never-ending global pandemic, my family is healthy. Thanks to selling our house we are in the best financial place we have ever been. Shaine and I both have a job that provides a good life for us. I have an amazing husband who has picked up all the slack when I have been too sick, or too exhausted to even get up off the couch. Our almost-two-year-old is as ambitious as ever but slows down enough to point to my belly and say “baby” while smiling so big my heart melts. I have been physically, emotionally, and mentally supported by family members, friends, coworkers, and doctors who have built me up when I needed it the most. Thank you to all of you.
And to those of you who are reading this and have reached out but I haven’t responded to – this is why. I’m tired, overwhelmed, stressed, and truly just in survival mode.
All that to say, I’m still working on getting to the same level of excitement as everyone else. This pregnancy has tested me and continues to test me. It took me months to accept the fact we were done. And then just like that, we weren’t done. And now we are entering into a familiar but really scary time for me/us. You guys have been with or have read all about my story and I would be lying if I said the minute I let myself finally get excited I’m not petrified that my history will repeat itself once again. – I walked into that first appointment and every appointment after just preparing for there to not be a heartbeat. When there is I was so relieved but also overtook with emotion. The tears start to fall and to be honest I still don’t know why.
I had plans to announce this pregnancy so much earlier than now, I wanted to take you on the journey with me and normalize not waiting to share the news. Normalize the fear, joy, and stress that comes with any pregnancy but I couldn’t. I still don’t know if I’m ready today (12/24 at 3:30 am) to share the news but what I do know is this blog has been my outlet. Has helped me work through my feelings for the past four years. And now I honestly probably need it more than ever.
So here we are; sharing our news — Maize is getting a baby SISTER coming June 2022. Stay tuned because who the hell knows what is coming next for the McConnon family of… four.
I’m so happy for you. Congratulations.