Normally, when I write blog posts, I am writing because something has happened, or I am all up in my head, and I need to put words on paper, but today, today is different. Today I am coming here to ask for advice genuinely. For those of you who are done having children or those who made the conscious effort not to have children, how did you come to this decision? When did you know you were done? That your family was complete as is.
Our daughter, Maize, is almost 16 months old. A brief backstory for those of you who don’t know we have struggled with fertility for as long as I can remember, I had two previous losses before Maize. (To read about our fertility journey, click here). We did IUI multiple times and were finally successful. She was born in February of 2020. Shaine and I were both on the same page from the time we had her and decided we would just let fate happen. We would not prevent getting pregnant, but we would also not “try” to get pregnant. We would let sex be what it is supposed to be, fun. Not this daunting task that had followed us around for the past few years. Fast forward to when Maize was nine months old, and I was miraculously pregnant again, but this time completely and totally naturally. We were shocked, excited, but shocked. Our family would be complete as a party of four exactly 18 months after we became a party of three. However, once again, that was not the case. The baby, another little girl, who I refer to as Haven, was lost shortly before the twelve-week mark. Ever since we lost Haven, my mind has pole-vaulted back into the fertility mindset. I can track my cycle without actually tracking my cycle. Sex is once again purposeful, not the romantic and spontaneous fun act it once was. I know what you are thinking. “Amanda, just forget all of it and just enjoy yourself; if it is meant to be, it will be.” And guess what, you are right, but I can’t just do that. I had tracked my cycle for almost two straight years; I can tell you the days I am ovulating without looking at a calendar. It’s a feeling; it’s something I am so trained to do I do it without much thought.
I bring this all up because recently, I have started to think maybe, this chapter of my life is coming to a close. Maybe it is time to put a period on the pregnancy chapter and start writing a new chapter. Shaine and I have always wanted to be parents, and parents we are. Sure we have always seen ourselves having two kids, but that was years before we knew what might be in store for us while we tried to start our family. Even after losing Haven, I told him I wasn’t ready to call it quits; I had to give myself a little more time, but regardless of what our next pregnancy resulted in, it would be my last. We both agreed and said we would give it until December of this year, and if I were not pregnant by then, that would be it. That would give us ten full months of trying after the miscarriage. As most women know, it is actually tough to get pregnant; the chance to get pregnant in any given month is 10-20% depending on a women’s age, which is actually quite low if you think about it. The stars, or should we say eggs, truly have to align. Knowing this fact, we knew that ten months should give us an ample amount of time to conceive again. We contemplated revisiting fertility but ultimately decided against it. For those families that do fertility time and time again to continue to grow their family, that is amazing, and I am in such awe of you because that shit is hard. Mentally, physically and emotionally, which is the ultimate reason we decided against it. I really wanted to leave it in the hands of fate; what is meant to be will be, sort of thing.
HOWEVER – As each month comes and goes, the sting of more negative pregnancy tests returns. Every month I am reminded of what we lost when we lost Haven. Maize lost her built-in best friend; we lost what we thought was the final piece of the puzzle. And while I have come to terms with it, I question if this is potentially something I want to put us through again. Sure, if it were a guarantee that I would get pregnant in the next few months and carry and deliver a perfectly healthy baby, I would be all in, but that is not reality. The reality is there are no guarantees in life. Which makes me stop and think. We are the lucky ones. We wanted to be parents more than anything in the world, and we got that. We have a beautiful, healthy, happy little girl who is the light of our lives. Truth be told, it’s easier just having her. She and I can do mommy-daughter date days. Shaine and her get to cuddle on the couch and do their nightly bedtime routine when they are alone on the nights I am on call at the hospital. If we had two, it might be rewarding to see them interact and play together, but it also means more work. I love our life right now, and I am starting to think I should count my blessings and move on to the next phase of life. Shaine goes in for his little snip snip, and I go talk to my doctor about permanent options for me as well.
Of course the other side of that coin is will I feel regret? Will we be so invested in Maize that we raise a spoiled little girl who never learned to share? What about when she gets a little older and doesn’t need us as much? Will I feel empty for not trying a little more? What will it feel like when people ask us if we are going to have more kids? Do I explain my history? Do I say “god willing” as I do now? What about when Maize is older and inquires why she didn’t get a brother or sister? Will she be angry or feel isolated? All probably very irrational thoughts, but thoughts nonetheless. Most of me feels confident that I can look her in the eyes and explain that mommy tried so hard, but it just wasn’t meant to be.
All of that to say, how did YOU know your family was complete? Maybe that was after one, two, three, or more children. Or maybe it was when you realized you didn’t want children at all. How did you know you were done? And those that have been “done” for a few years do you ever think back and wonder what if? I wish we did something different? In all of the blogs and articles I have read about this, most people say they “just knew,” or it just felt right. I have always heard of people not being sure, so they didn’t make any “permanent” decisions that I respect, but I need this decision to be final for me and my history. I am ready to stop looking back and just look forward. This leads me to believe my heart is ready, ready to let go of the past and really just live in the moment. Go back to my body being my body and being the best it can be for Maize, Shaine, and myself, not the potential what if’s.
I have always made it a habit of talking about the hard topics, the good, the bad, and everything in between, so this is no different. Comment below how you came to this decision or what your thoughts on the matter are. These blog posts help me more than you all can imagine, but they have always helped me connect with tons of people who may be going through the same things but not as vocal about it as I am. We are all in this life together, just trying to make it over every obstacle and tough decision in our path.
Amanda, your post hits home for me in so many ways. I too have been struggling with infertility. With Jacob I only needed some oral meds to help mature my eggs and after 3 cycles, we conceived. This time around, we’ve been trying for 2 years. We just did our 5th IUI last Friday, with hopes of getting pregnant, but also the fear of what if it doesn’t happen again. The loneliness and sadness that comes along with not being able to grow our family is devastating. I look at my son and know that I want him to have a sibling and feel like a total failure with not being able to give that to him! I struggle with what if our journey isn’t what we planned, what’s next?!? I wish you all the clarity and the best of luck with whatever you decided is best for your family!! 💙
Truth be told, when I was writing his post I kept thinking of you. I know you’ve had struggles with this as well. I’m so sorry you’ve been through all of this. I’ll be thinking of you for these next two weeks. 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼
Hey lady! I am forever grateful for my 3 girls! As long as I can remember, I had wanted 4. Always! I told Dave that 4 would be even, no 2 v 1 and we can split up evenly. When we found out that Keeley was going to be our 3rd girl, we knew. We had come out of the appointment and had lunch (5 guys) and we were sitting across from each other. I said- I think I am done. You?
He was also on board.
Now, I see the girls growing up and they donpit against each other, but they are also strong together. I couldn’t imagine having another as our family is great the way it is meant to be.
You and Shaine WILL know. God answers in unexpected ways. I mean, Dave does have a little brother 14 years younger… 😊😉
Praying for you guys and love following your inspiring journey! God bless you!
We made the same decision that if we were going to have any more children after 3 miscarriages and our rainbow twins that it was going to happen naturally; we didn’t want to go through that stressful and difficult process of pills, shots, cycle tracking, and scheduled sex as you described (We were blessed to get pregnant with our twins on our last try before having to go to IUI/IVF). Its been almost 6 years now since our twins were born and we are about to close that chapter in our lives for good and I am so thankful that I have found peace with that decision. I never thought I would. Two kids can present its own challenges and I sometimes feel like I am not doing enough for them 1 on 1. Mom guilt is real. No matter if you have 1 child, 2, or 20 there will always be something to mom guilt about. I wish I had a lot more of those 1 to 1 moments and outings but as they get older those will come I hope. I wouldn’t worry too much about the only child aspect. As long as you are getting out and socializing with other kiddos and getting those experiences of sharing and playing with others you will be okay. Something I think about often is that even though I won’t be able to have any more children of my own, I do still always have the option to adopt a child or even adopt a pet to pass some more of that motherly love onto in the future. You do what is best for you and your family; imagine you decide no more and give it a few days to process how you truly feel about that. In the end I found peace and knew it was the right decision. If you still aren’t at peace after a few days you may not be ready to give up on that dream and that is okay! The unknown is such a difficult thing to accept and you are so strong! Wishing you the best of luck in making your decision and your future.
My mom struggled all my life after having me. She lost my what would have been siblings when i was 3, 3rd grade on Halloween & lastly in 6th grade. It was exhausting for her and even looking back i know she was so disappointed she couldn’t/ hasn’t given me a sibling. Then she decided she was going to “let go and let god” (or whomever you believe / trust in). She found out she was pregnant with my now 22 year old sister at 38, all on her own- but she almost lost her too because her hormone levels dropped. She was put on restriction/ meds & she successfully carried chloe to term and had her via csection just weeks after i turned 13. Then 6 months later… she was pregnant again. Same story- but now 39 / meds to keep her hormones regulated & restrictions had carried another baby to term and had Collin just months after i turned 14! She never gave up after fertility, suppositories, artificial insemination, shots, loss, heartbreak, and so grateful she didn’t so i could have siblings and they had each other growing up too.
I got pregnant 2 months after going off the pill for quinn and had a perfect pregnancy- went 41 weeks and had Quinn naturally and then she was whisked off to the NIcU because she had ingested meconium. It was scary and so worrisome but so grateful for that experience and all of the great nurses we had. Then it took over a year to get pregnant with lynnleigh- Matt didn’t want to try more after he turned 40 so on his 40th birthday 13 months of trying, testing & exams- i was pregnant for what would be my last baby. I had elevated BP and weekly US and stress tests toward the end to monitor her & then she flipped breach at 35 weeks so i ended up with a csection and got my tubes tied. For only to find out during my C-section that I in fact had both of my daughters with one functioning ovary because my right ovary is either too small to recognize or possibly didn’t exist.
If there is a single thought that you don’t feel complete as a family and you still are questioning the what if‘s, give yourself Grace and let it be effortless if possible, enjoy your love and your husband and if it was meant to be it will happen. Your body knows it’s under stress and makes that even more difficult and trying to conceive.
I love your transparency and your story. Maize is lucky to be your daughter and i was an only child until i was 13 and I couldn’t have been luckier – she’ll feel that way too even if she never had a sibling. Friends become family and she’ll have lots of “framily & cousins” to enjoy growing up with 💕
I still struggle with the thought of being done having kids. We worked so hard to get pregnant. Prayed for these amazing babies and boom it’s over. One pregnancy and that is all I get!??! It’s more then some ever get. Less then others. I have days when I want nothing more then a perfect little girl who would have two loving older brothers. Then I have days that I am so overwhelmed by the boys I can’t imagine adding another child. Very quickly after my pregnancy I had an IUD put in and told Brian to hold off on getting snipped. Just in case we decided to try again. We agreed no fertility help. Just let it happen if it was going to happen much like you. We have talked about trying again. I worry what another pregnancy might do to me. I had HELLP syndrome and luckily the boys were heathy but they were born at 34 weeks. With that knowledge I worry another pregnancy could take me away from my boys. With my age I worry about something being wrong with the baby. A baby with a disability would be loved in our family but it would also alter our family.
As much as I struggle to accept that we are done having kids I honestly feel it in my bones it’s the best call for us. The risk is just to great. I loved being pregnant and I would love to have more kids but I know it’s time to be done. That being said I hope you find clarity to best fit what your family and your heart needs. There is no easy answer when it comes to this that’s for sure.
There were a lot of things that factored in to our decision to be done.. We weighed the pros and cons of having another and decided 3 was comfortable for us and 4 would stretch us more than we wanted it to. And part of the decision was also based on my mental health. I had 3 losses before Eliza and because of that pregnancy was really hard on me mentally. I didn’t want to be pregnant again because I didn’t want to go through all the anxiety that came with it for me. There are days where I question if I made the right choice because I love being a mom and I’m going to miss having a snuggly baby but I think no matter how many kids we had I still would’ve felt that way after the last one. No matter how sure you are that number 1, 2, 3 or whatever is your last one there is just a sadness that comes with that decision. But that doesn’t mean it was the wrong decision.
I recently read an article that said your last child comes with grief that you’re done having kids, even if it’s the best decision for your family. If you aren’t sure, I don’t think there is any harm in using birth control of some sort until you have a more solid feel one way or the other. I’m so thankful you have Maize and love following your family’s journey.
There is no right answer and thank the lord. You will end up with the right number in your family no matter what you really want. It’s the only peace that I have, that it was not up to me. I was told five years after my first that there was no possibility that I could ever have another. I was really hard news after losing a son at 5 months along. His room was ready, his sister was excited, and their dad packed up and moved out of stated..irony lol. After losing my son and the sad news of being barrien decided to pick myself up and moved on with life. I grieved hard but I couldn’t stay that way, I wanted my daughter to have the best life possible.
Several months later I found out I was surprise!…pregnant again…3 months. And that was a huge surprise, because I went only on one date. A blind date, the internet… and it was a date I should of never been on. I don’t remember much or how I got home. Yes, it is what you are thinking and no my son doesn’t not know and I don’t know if I should ever tell him. I also know he is my son and I love him will all of my heart. I would go through that or anything a thousand times for him. The last month of my pregnancy I was told I had stage 4 cervical cancer. This whole pregnancy I was asked in many ways to give up my son because of how he was conceived. Now I was told I could die if I didn’t. I signed more waivers, talked to lawyers, made a will, and prepared for the worst while smiling. He was born perfect and has never had a health issue. I am now almost 10 years cancer free! After my son they told me that I would never be able to carry again.
Few years later, I got healthier mentally and physical and had a beautiful baby girl. She was my toughest pregnancy….high risk. We both died on the table. We had amazing doctors and both of us are here and healthy. Actually, she is too healthy, I am having trouble keeping up. Doctor asked me after she was born how much more I wanted to flirt with death. I prayed and had my answer. My family was full.
I told you my story so you would not feel alone even though it is much different then yours. Amanda we grew up in the same neighborhood and I know you are an amazing person and mother! You will end up with the perfect amount of people in your family and always remember the amount of us surrounding you with our strength and love.
I love reading your posts! I can speak for the done with no kids. Tony will be 50 this year, and I am 34. We started dating 4 years ago. I knew from about 6 months of us dating that kids were not in his cards at this part of his life. I fought with that for a good couple year of “am I ok with this decision” to never have kids, to never pass on pieces of us. At the end, I am ok with this! I originally thought that we can try for a couple months but if nothing then it is what it is. But we never did that. I made the decision 6 months ago to go get an IUD and after that comes out he will get snipped. In my mind we are done. It wasn’t a decision that happened over night, but I will say; it was a decision that I finally was ok with and knew it was what I wanted in the end and I had piece with it. I am truly happy with our lives and I’m choosing to look forward and not look back on what could have been. I have kids in my life. If you remember how close I am to my nephew and now my nieces they fill my life with joy just like maize does for you. I hope you find that feeling of inner piece that swept over me and whatever decision you guys make. It’s not an easy one for sure!