“Cherish every single moment.”

Everyone always says you will change when you become a mother. They then proceed to list all the things that will change; your sleep schedule, your body, your love for your spouse, your free time, so on and so forth. 
It’s been five months since Maize was born, and from the minute I laid my eyes on that little girl, I knew I was different, but today, today solidified it.

Today Shaine and I went to one of the worst things you can go to as a person, but now that we are parents, it was even more painful.

Tonight we attended the visitation for his cousin’s (N, as I’ll refer to his cousin, the mother) daughter. This beautiful young, fourteen old girl taken far too soon. There is never a good time to lose a child, but during a global pandemic, when social gathers are prohibited is essentially pouring salt into an open wound. As we walked into the funeral home, the director said, “We understand this is a hard time for everyone, but please try not to spend too much time with the family due to the ten-person limit. We want to give everyone a chance.” At the moment and even now I understood why he said what he said but damn. Those poor parents, siblings, other family members and friends are mourning, how do you put a time limit on your interaction with them? Never the less we did. When it was our turn, we stepped up to N and her husband, J, and gave them the biggest of hugs. In their eyes, you could see the pain, shock, and horror of their new reality. As Shaine held Maize, we were able to introduce her to them (such shitty timing if I do say.) Through our masks, we tried all our tricks to get Maize to smile at them. N, the mom of the beautiful new angel, leaned over to me and said, “cherish every single moment” as she smiled at Maize. Right there at that moment, I broke. With tears streaming down my face, I grabbed her hand and said, “we will, no matter what we will.”

One, every time I go to a natural delivery or c-section at work, I feel myself fighting back the tears when the baby is born. I remember the pure joy; I felt the first time Maize was placed on my chest. My overwhelming love for her is being reciprocated to another family, to another innocent soul, and I am lucky enough to be there to witness it.

Two, I get angry when I see a child put in harm’s way, much more furious than I did five months ago. All the stories of children being trafficked or abuse leave me with a feeling I can not shake. A sense of clarity, knowing if something like that were to ever happen to Maize, I would not be able to control myself. I would gladly take the punishment for my actions to make whoever pay for the crimes they commit towards my child. — Yes, this is very mama bear-ish of me, but its the truth. Show me one decent parent who has not had the same thoughts.

Three, I find myself missing her when she is in the next room, even though I just put her to bed fifteen minutes ago; after an hour of rocking, feeding, and praying, she would finally fall asleep.

These emotions are so strong that even in the darkest hours motherhood is said to bring, I don’t remember having a bad day. Maybe a bad hour or two but never a bad day. And in case yall forgot so far my entire time as a mother has been during the hardest year we as a nation as seen in quite some time. But I prayed for this beautiful child for years, and I am so lucky, thankful, and blessed that she is here and healthy; nothing else truly matters. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t sleep one night, it doesn’t matter if she only wants to be held, it doesn’t matter if she pukes all over me. All that matters is she is here on earth, growing, learning, and making memories with us. 

I know hard days will come, but when they do I want to look back on this post and remember just how thankful I am to have the hard times because hard times typically evolve into good times and in the rare occasion that they don’t, we are still lucky enough to have time with her. 
If you don’t have a child, that’s ok, because I know you can still relate. These feelings can be felt towards anything you love; a spouse, parent, friend, sibling, pet—literally anything or anyone you love so deeply.