The post; Three years in the making ❤️🌈☘️​

Revision – four-hundred and ninety-two. That might be a stretch but then again maybe not. This post is something I have dreamt about writing for years. When I wrote all of my words below, I was in such a good headspace; excited, joyful, slightly anxious but nothing major. Flash forward to today, right now, and all of that is entirely different. Today I feel anxious, nauseous, downright terrified. But why? Just because I hit send on some silly Instagram post, does not mean our fate is about to change. Hitting share does not mean anything will be jinxed. I know all of this of course, but for some reason, anytime I get ready to share, I begin to shake, tears form in my eyes and a state of sheer terror overtakes my entire being.

From what I am told, this is parenthood. That is something you learn to live with when your heart is living outside of your body. You learn you are not in control, you do the best you can with everything you have, but at the end of the day, what is suppose to happen, will. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. With that being said, I am going to take a deep breath and share, no matter how terrified it makes me…

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Four weeks? Eight weeks? No, probably more like twelve weeks? What about after the first heartbeat? Or after the twenty-week anatomy scan? Screw it wait until I’m crowning and there is no hiding it. – Kidding, that’s extreme, but is there ever a correct time to announce a pregnancy? And the answer to that is no.

If you are reading this, it’s because I’ve finally decided to share our good news with everyone. Which was a lot harder of a decision than I thought it would be. Not because I was afraid of being too vulnerable or fearful of the repercussions if everything didn’t/doesn’t work out but because I have enjoyed living in our little tiny bubble. Our bubble is safe, secure, and a place that requires no explanations. This pregnancy came as a shock to me, which may seem odd because of the obvious fertility treatments I’ve endured for the past year. But similar to my past this journey to our baby didn’t go off without some complications.

Before I get into that, let’s start from the beginning; the fertility diaries contest. As you all know that contest was more than I could have ever expected. The love, support, and response we received from it was out of this world. I cried more during those days I should be set for a lifetime. I knew we were loved, but to see it, have a number placed on it was a whole different ballgame. Friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, and strangers all wanted to talk about our journey and share our story. That was the name of the game, but the overwhelming feeling of having to relive the pain and frustration over and overtook a toll. Plus being the competitive people, we are Shaine, and I wanted to win. We wanted this for us, for you guys. When that took a drastic turn one night as the contest was ending, I remember being at work, looking up at the ceiling and just saying:

“God, is this your plan? Is IVF the way it’s supposed to go?”

Because at the time, we had not even tried an IUI (which if you don’t know what that is, for lack of a better term, it’s essentially a turkey baster). Was jumping right to IVF the right thing to do? I honestly did not know. Within minutes of me saying that out loud, we were passed by another couple in the standings. Whether that happened the “right” way or not, at that moment, I had clarity. I had my answer; IVF was not our route, at least not at that time.

Fast forward to my first appointment after the contest had ended. Nursing school had also finished for the summer, and I thought it was the perfect time to get aggressive. No more small-ish doses of meds, or timed intercourse, let’s give this everything we have. Stronger dosing of oral meds, daily injections, multiple ultrasounds, and countless doctor visits finally lead us to our 1st IUI. I had four very large mature follicles. Shaine went in and made his “deposit” I went in a few hours later to “receive” such deposit and then it was time to wait. – – I just knew it was going to work, and by work, I was going to be pregnant with triplets because that’s how life works. Spoiler alert – it didn’t. Which I’ll put a much more detailed post out about but for now all that matters is it didn’t work.

So on to take two. Same meds, same shots, same everything. This time I had sixteen follicles, nine mature. Let me put this in perspective for you; most women have one maybe two mature follicles each month. I had nine, which meant nine potential babies. I took a deep breath and told the nurse I wanted to continue. A few days later, the same transaction of deposit and receiving took place.

But this one was different. This one hurt; I was extremely bloated, swollen, and in pain. After dealing with it for a few days, I finally called my doctor to get checked out. They diagnosed me with something called ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome, OHSS. (Future post coming soon.) OHSS can be very severe, leading to hospitalization, blood clots, pulmonary embolism, and even a stroke. I was placed on bed rest and fluid restriction for five days. I was told if I do end up pregnant, my symptoms will get worse and continue until 12-14 weeks.

Y’all myself and bed rest don’t mix well. Of course, I was willing to do anything I had to but damn it was going to be rough. I’m such a busy body, but none the less I did it. A week went by, and my symptoms started to go away, and I was showing signs of an impending period. There it was, another month went, more follicles wasted. I was defeated, exhausted, and downright not a fun person to be around.

I went in for my blood test with no expectations, I told Shaine I would call him that afternoon with the results, but I knew it would be negative. I can tell by the way I was feeling. Six hours later, a notification popped up saying my lab results were in… I took a deep breath and opened it. 105. My HCG was 105, thank you, nursing school for teaching me anything over five is considered pregnant.

There it was, in black and white, your girl was/is pregnant. My heart started racing but quickly slowed down when I remembered; I’ve been here before, twice to be exact.

Now at this point I only know I’m pregnant, nothing else. Not how far along I was or with how many babies because remember I had the potential for nine babies. Two long weeks went by, and it was finally time for our first ultrasound. We went in, I laid down, took a deep breath, and tried to relax. I knew it was probably too early for a heartbeat since I was not even six weeks at that point. Within seconds I saw it; One sac, with one teeny tiny little thing spec inside and a beating heart. Y’all at five weeks, six days, we already had a strong heartbeat — 115 beautiful beats. Tears filled my eyes. Thirty minutes later, after a long, thorough search, it was confirmed that baby Mac was just that, one single, strong, lovable baby. No others were hiding.

He or she is determined to come into this world to meet y’all. And while we still have so, so long to go, I already feel lucky enough to make it here. To type these words, to share this news. It took all of you to help get us here, and now all I ask is to please continue your thoughts and prayers that baby Mac stays safe, healthy, and inside until March of 2020.

*** To all the mamas, friends, subscribers, and strangers who are walking a similar path to ours. I know how it feels to read posts just like this one, how it felt as tears would stream down my face. While I can’t take away this pain, please know my heart is with you. Use our journey with infertility as inspiration for you. Use it to know there will be a light at the end of your tunnel just like there as been for us. My thoughts, prayers, and love are always with you.