“How did you know he was the one?”
A few months ago I was asked how I knew Shaine was “the one.” And while I answered very quickly, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that might have been the first time in eleven years that someone asked me that very question. When I tell people we’ve been married for eleven years the conversation normally goes like this:
“How old are you? You aren’t possibly old enough to be married that long.”
“I’m twenty-nine” – I wait as I see their gears in their head turning trying to do the math. Twenty-nine subtract eleven, is… eighteen.
“Holy shit, you were seriously eighteen? Good for you guys, that’s so rare. How many kids do you have?”
So on and so forth.
But a few months ago a girl veered from the unwritten script and said: “How did you know he was the one?”
And my response, surprisingly to her, was “I didn’t/ I don’t.”
Which before I continue let me preface this by saying, I love Shaine. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, but for the most part, we are rock solid. We know who each other is, we accept it (most days) and embrace each other for who they are. However, a big, however, I still eleven years later don’t know if he’s the one. There was no magical moment, no sign from God, nothing proving he was the one true love that would make my life whole. Our relationship has always felt more profound, more respectful and stronger than any other bonds. Which yes, we both have had.
But why him?
Why did we agree to get married eleven years ago? Why, have we continued to make it work? The truth is, my gut kept saying why not? Why not give this relationship a chance and see where it goes? Why not buckle down, put the work in and see what’s to come? From the beginning, I have always said if it doesn’t work out, then that’s ok. We’ll pick ourselves up and move on knowing we gave it a shot. A lot has happened since back then, but my thought is still the same.
When I answered the questions my response was this:
“I didn’t or still don’t know if he is. There was nothing magical; I just knew I loved him enough to try; enough to give our relationship a real shot. I knew he made me feel safe, he respected me, protected me, and would fight for me. As the years went on, there were times I hated him, questioned him and thought about leaving. I mean we have nothing in common. On paper, we are complete opposites, oil, and water you could say. But the one thing that has always been consistent is he has always been the one person who would be my first call good or bad. The excitement of a new job, he was the first call. The fear of emergency surgery, he was the first face I wanted to see after waking up. He is the hand I want to hold as I deliver our first baby. He is the one I want to curse at for all the physical pain I will endure, because of said baby. Those moments of good and bad, and only wanting him by my side are the reason I know we work. Not necessarily the one, but the one I’m willing to work with. The person who despite everything I am still so in love with.”
That being said, does that make him my one?
Honestly no. The idea of “the one” is fictional. The concept of “the one” is something that we idolize in movies and trick ourselves into believing is real. I know I sound like a bitter old woman but hear me out. If there was indeed only one person in the world for each of us why do people cheat? Why are we attracted to different people? How can a person love more than one individual at a time? How can we love more than one person in our lifetime? This is why I sincerely believe there is more than one person out there for all of us.
Reality is as humans we are attracted to many different people for many various reasons at many different times. Take me for example. I loved my first boyfriend. He was the first real relationship I had. Even though we were young and we went to different schools our relationship was real, honest and informative. He taught me something I’ve held onto over a decade later. He taught me to be independent and to value my alone time. Being that we went to different schools, we had a lot more “free time” than friends of mine who dated some from our same school. That free time was something I loved, appreciated and had taken forward into my relationship with Shaine. After my first boyfriend, I fell for a guy out of straight lust. He was tall, dark, handsome, and incredibly jealous. He wanted to dictate my clothing choices, my friends and my actions. Shocking, that last a whole two minutes, but he also showed me I couldn’t be with a jealous guy. My guy had to be secure and confident so that he could handle my outgoing, flirtatious personality. I have close relationships with women, but more so with men. I am a guy’s girl day in and day out: much less drama and many more common interests.
Shaine and I share no common hobbies other than our love for cuss words and each other. He’s an introvert – I’m an extrovert. He wants to be in the woods, alone with his guns, with no one for miles whereas I want to be social, at a sporting event living my best life. Being that we have no interest on any given day I have more in common with my guy friends than I do him.
Are they “my one”?
One of my all-time best friends is a guy. This guy has been there for the past eight years to listen to me bitch, watch me grow and celebrate in my success. His sense of humor, sarcasm, and love for sports has bonded us. Over the past eight years, we have developed a friendship so strong that I do love him. The platonic, I don’t want to bang you love, but love no less. Which brings me to my point; Does this mean “my one true love” is my friend? Should I be with him since we have more in common? What about that super hot guy I saw at the gym the other day? Or the guy at the golf course that flirts back? Or my best girlfriend who is the exact version of me, just smarter and more athletic? Is she “my one”? Are any of them “my one”?
The answer is no.
Maybe not thee one, but the one I choose.
We as humans don’t have a one. It’s very unnatural to be with one person of the rest of time. Before we all go and start polyamorous marriages understand that’s not my point. My point is don’t have a specific one person who is our everything; we have multiple different people who bring enrichment into our lives for many various reasons. Shaine is not my one, I may never look at him as “my one true love,” but I can say without a doubt in my mind that he is the person I want to TRY with. The one I want to go to sleep every night, wake up every day and keep trying with. He is the person I am choosing to spend my life with, not the person who fate determined to be the one.
** If you want to know more about us, check out my blog post titled “The story of us“
As an afterthought, I thought it would be interesting to get Shaine’s take on the matter. And would you believe it or not, he agrees with me wholeheartedly, that means we now agree on three whole things in life! Ha-Ha. His words were “it is a Hollywood storyline that gets pubilized time and time again because it makes for a great romantic movie.”
Y’all, he never ceases to amaze me. Get out there and find yourself someone you love enough to try with, someone who might not be the picture perfect knight riding in on the white horse, but someone you love with all your heart and loves you right back.