2018 all wrapped up and decorated​ with a bow.

Here we are again, another blog post; another “It’s been too long” sentence to start this post. But let’s be honest, that’s my life at the moment. It has been my life pretty much all of 2018. This time last year I was feeling optimistic, energetic, excited about where life was headed. And today, days before we enter into 2019 (yes I started this a week ago) I feel the same. I’m still optimistic, still energetic and excited for what’s about to come. However what I’m realizing is I’m not sure what’s to come. Last year I was sure of everything. Sure I would get into nursing school and succeed without much effort. Sure Shaine and I would quickly get pregnant and give birth to our beautiful baby. Sure this blog would continue to grow and prosper just like any adventure I put my mind too. However, none of those were true. And figured I would use this blog to act as our long-winded Christmas card, to fill you all in.

Nursing school

First up let’s tackle the biggest hurdle of my year; nursing school. Holy sh!t, nursing school was more than I could of ever imagine. Not because of the material, not because of the added obligation, but because of the workload. And the new changes that were made to this well standing, thoroughly tested program. These “changes” were not for the best. They made this semester the most frustrating stressful semester of my entire life. Which includes many, many, many semesters. I’m practically a professional student. I know how to study, I know how to take tests, I know how to manage to be a full-time student, an employee, a wife, a friend, a daughter all at the same time.

This program about broke me. I came home crying, frustrated, defeated more times than I can count. I wanted to quit time and time again. Partly because I realize how much I hate poop. The respiratory therapist in me lives by the motto “spit not shit,” but after five weeks of adult med-surg, you get good at holding your breath for minutes at a time. Or if you can’t, you go to plan B; Wear a mask into every patient’s room because you feel a “tickle” in your throat. When in reality, it’s because your patient smells like they haven’t showered in weeks and you are protecting them from seeing my face as I gag.

Even after all of that, I still was never any closer to quitting than after I met with our lead profession. At the established age of twenty-nine years old, they had the audacity to suggest I get evaluated for ADHD. Are you fucking kidding me? ADHD? There is absolutely nothing wrong if I were to have it, but instead of looking in the mirror and realizing something was wrong with their teaching style, they had the nerve to suggest I have a disorder. A disorder that many take very seriously. No, I absolutely do not have ADHD, I actually sat at my desk for eight hours studying for one, yes, one test of yours. Only to receive a 68%, with the class average a whopping 78%. Three full percentage below passing. Y’all this kind of frustration continued for weeks, test after test, unit after unit. And nothing changed.

The bright spot in this semester was my classmates. I could not have done it I thought them. The unique part of my program is that we all are older students. We have bills, families, and careers we can’t just walk away from because we are in school. And an additional benefit is we can all get hammered after failing each of said professors tests.

Classes start in just a few days, and I would be lying if I said I was not nervous. This semester so much more than last. Partially because I have a bit of PTSD from last semester and how much it tested me. That being said I know I have to do it. I am officially one-third of the way done and by this time next year I will be Amanda McConnon, RRT, RN and enrolled to add BSN to the end of it all. I know it will be a lot of work, but I can see the light. It may be small and flicker a bit, but a light, no less.

Baby-Mac

Oh god. Where do I even start on this topic? Last time I wrote about this, it had been officially one year since my emergent laparoscopic surgery. A year since we had official lost our second baby. A lot has happened since that last post. I have met with more doctors, endured more procedures, received an actual diagnosis of infertility and started on a plan to overcome it. Oh and there was this small time when there was the talk of a brain tumor, spoiler alert, I don’t have one!

I do plan to write a post entirely dedicated to this topic, but for now, I am virtually no further than I was a few months ago. There is still no good reason why we have not gotten pregnant. I don’t have PCOS, no endometriosis, Shaine’s sperm analysis came back phenomenal (and as he said, no surprise there; everything he does is done with excellence) and no physical issues on my part. Yet, nothing. My doctor and I do have a plan in place that we are working on. Will it help me get pregnant? Who knows, truthfully only time will tell, but at least for now I can have faith that there is a plan.

Work-life

2018 can basically be summed up with work, work, work, work, work. Which I owe a thank you to Rihanna, for helping make that catchy and not as depressing as it actually is. Work was the main thing that happened to me in 2018. I have always been a hard worker, someone who is always busy but this summer took to cake. From April until October I had three jobs. Yes, that is right three.

One at the main hospital I work at now, that is nights. One at a smaller more local hospital where the shifts would rotate between days and nights. And last but certainly not least a golf course being a handy-dandy beer wench. And before you judge, it was probably one of my favorite jobs I ever had. Just zip around in a golf cart delivering beer and watching drunk people all day, oh and while getting tipped to do it. Was it the most fun summer I have ever had? No, but it did give me enough money to allow me not to take out a student loan and help me pay for school in cash. Now that we are into the winter months I am really missing those cash tips.

Starting the job at the smaller local hospital was nice because of the additional money, but mostly it was a step in building my nursing resume. At my “main” job I only work with kids, which means my adult experience is quite limited, so instead of waiting for a potential employer to point that out, I choose to fix it. By doing so, I also now am building seniority within another large hospital system, in hopes to broaden my career opportunities from within, rather than be an outsider looking in. What I was not expecting was to gain confidence and truly enjoy the smaller hospital community.

Relationships

This past year was a big year regarding relationships; some lost, some gained, some heightened and some dwindled. And a hard lesson that I learned along the way was that was okay. As we grow personally, relationships must change.

My love for Shaine grew more than I knew it could and the crazy part is, it was for no particular reason other than our line of communication bolded. Friendships I never thought would fade, faded. And best of all a handful of new people walked into my life with the intent to never walk out.

Being in a relationship with me regardless if it is platonic, romantic, or family is never easy. I am sporadic, sarcastic, dramatic and busy. Really fucking busy, which leaves little time for those people. To those of you, and you know who you are. Thank you. Thank you for understanding that this moment in my life is temporary, it will get better, and I will be back to the wife, friend, daughter, co-worker you know I am…. by 2020.

2019

If you have made it this far, congratulations. You probably made it further than eighty-percentage of the people who started reading this. 2019 is going to be a good year. It is the year I turn the big three zero. The year we will hopefully go from McConnon party of two to a party of three. The year I will graduate and become a registered nurse and most significant of all the year I learn to plan less and live more.

This year more than most I have heard about manifestations and that you have to either write them down, say them out loud or share them with others in hopes the universe is listening.

To close of 2018, I will do just that. My list of hopes, dreams, goals are these:

• Career
  • Graduate nursing school
  • Pass my boards, I.E., Get my nursing license
  • Continue to grow and take on new challenges as a Respiratory therapist
  • And publish one blog a month, I honestly wish it could be more, but for now, in this stage of my life, I will have to settle with one a month.
• Family
  • Duh, probably the most obvious is to get pregnant, be able to keep such pregnancy and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl or boy
• Health
  • Limit sugar and bread/ grain intake (Both make me feel like shit when I eat it)
• Home
  • Finish all of the projects on the main floor of our house
    • AKA finish trim, flooring, reconfigure the closets, start and complete the two accent walls in each of the main floor bedrooms and maybe, just maybe redo the kitchen backsplash (because I don’t love it).
• Love
  • Continue to grow and build on each of my relationships
    • Weekly date nights with Shaine
    • Monthly get-togethers with family and friends
• Money
  • Gahhhh and this one might be the hardest of all; NO CLOTHES SHOPPING FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR.
    • With an asterisk of unless I get pregnant in which case to buy the bare minimum to help me get through
• Self-care
  • To set aside thirty minutes a day of alone time for myself with no distractions
    • Ideas include: going for a walk, time at the gym, swimming, reading, sitting in silence (not a serial killer, just value peace and quiet)
• Silly
  • Stop texting and driving – I have such a bad habit of this
• Travel
  • One domestic trip
    • Louisville for the Kentucky Derby to celebrate my #derbythirty in style
  • One international trip
    • TBD

Now that I have shared, what about you? Do you make a vision board or a manifest list of things you hope for in the new year? Even if you don’t thank you for getting this far and reading mine. I truly love this little space I have created. Sophie Mae James might honestly only be read by me, myself and I or it might be a read by a small army.

Regardless of the numbers, I hope this blog can serve as a little place in this world where you or someone you know can come and feel normal. Feel a sense of belonging, a sense of closeness. Or maybe you are just curious to know what those crazy McConnons are up to, either way, I am glad you were here in 2018 and look forward to “seeing” you in 2019.

<3 Amanda