A is for Anxiety

The letter A has always had a lot of meaning for me. As odd as it sounds, A is my favorite letter. It is the first letter of the alphabet, the first letter of my first name, a symbol of a good grade on a test, one of my seven tattoos. When people see the capital A I have tattooed on the back of my neck they usually ask me what it stands for. In true Amanda fashion, I typically give them a smart-ass answer of: “Awesome,” “Asshole,” “Amazing” or just plain “Amanda,” depending on my mood. As I have gotten older that simple A has started to represent anxiety. The anxiety of things I can’t control, anxiety over where my life is headed, anxiety over many things I never used to worry about.

Today is August 1st, the first day of the new month. I typically love the first day of any new month because I always look at it as a new chapter, a chance to rewrite my wrongs of the previous month or to continue on my path from before. However this month I am dreading it. August is the month I start down the road of going back to school to be a nurse. While many of you may know about this transition, some of you might not. I do plan to write a blog post about my full decision shortly, but for now, the SparkNotes version is this; I knew I wanted to get my bachelors degree eventually but was never sure in what exactly I wanted it to be. After I looked at the job market, there were a lot of jobs that wanted you to have your Bachelors of Science in Nursing (BSN) to be eligible for various positions. And a lot of these positions were management positions, not necessarily a bedside. And the rest is history. At the end of August, I begin the three-semester journey of transitioning from being a Registered Respiratory Therapist, to a Registered Nurse. Like any new journey, especially when it involved school, it is normal to have some anxiety, hesitation and even some fear.

That anxiety that I used to view as healthy and manageable has multiplied now that I am older. Typical everyday things that I would never even bat an eye at are now things that keep me up at night. Stuff like intently listening to Harley, our nine-year-old Boxer, breath at night to make sure she is indeed breathing. I worry about how much longer she has on this earth. Or what about the fact that every morning when Shaine goes to work, I have an overcoming fear that he will never come back home? Or that every time I feel pain in my stomach/uterus I take it as a sign that I am once again having a miscarriage. None of these things are healthy, none of these things are things I enjoy stressing over. They are all things I honestly can not control. I can’t manage when Harley takes her last breath, or if something terrible is going to happen to Shaine, hell I can’t even control if or when I do get pregnant again the outcome will not be the same. I have always been an “everything happens for a reason” girl, and when I am of sound mind, I know this and I can quickly stop those evil thoughts right as they begin. But then there are other times when I know I can’t control them, but I stay awake at night thinking about them, thinking about the pain those events will cause me.

These things are not healthy, and I know that. I talk to Shaine about them, I am now writing about them, but that still is not enough. I have started seeing a counselor once a month to discuss them and man oh man do I love it. It does help to get everything out in the open. Like I have stated before, once I say something out loud, I can truly begin to process it. Process the fact it is happening; good or bad. Or I prepare the fact that my thought is so ridiculous I can move past it quite quickly. However like most people I have good days and bad days. Today is one of those bad days.

I am fearful that I made the wrong decision about going back to school. Afraid I am not smart enough to succeed. Scared of losing someone close to me. Anxious about the significant changes coming up that are going to rock my world. Fearful of losing myself, my mental and physical health due to my rigorous school and work schedule. And lastly afraid I will never be a mother. Fearful my relationship will suffer because of my wants and desires to be a mom. There are just so many things that bring me fear and anxiety right now. I am writing about this today for multiple reasons. One, a lot of people, specifically women, suffer from anxiety on so many levels. Some need medication to help them manage it; some suffer in silence, some are like me and are just trying to find their best way of dealing with these new feelings. Two, when I started this blog, I promised to be vulnerable and transparent. And three, I am writing this today to help keep myself accountable.

I am going to continue to go and visit my therapist once a month, but also, I have decided to try and turn to exercise to help me manage my anxiety. I am NOT that super healthy runs eight miles a day and only eats clean type of girl. Never have been and honestly, I never will be. I love ice cream, sugar and carbs too much. But I have always been the girl who when she has had a bad day, a stressful day or am very emotional I love to lace up my tennis shoes and go. Run, walk, bike, swim, anything that involves moving, my headphones and a bright blue sky. On days like that, I can go for miles; fatigue has nothing on me. Which made me realize that with the upcoming stressful time, I need to start getting into that habit now. Get into the habit of getting to the gym, the track, the running trails or even the pool lanes three to four times a week. Give myself an hour to put the books away, step away from social media and allow myself time to clear my head and only focus on putting one foot in front of the other, focus on one rep at a time, focus on breathing and understanding somethings are just beyond my control. So, today August 1st, I am pledging to do that. To put myself first, to take the steps I need to keep my anxiety under control. To maintain my mental health at the top of my to-do list and hopefully get a rockin body because of it. (Ps. Sorry for all the sweaty-selfies that are about to follow, it is MY way of staying accountable.)

I am no expert on anxiety. As I said, in the beginning, this is all new for me, I have never had to work at managing anxiety before. Before it was always something, I would feel for a day or two and then it would go away never to return, but as I get older and I like to think wiser, I can now see all the good, bad and ugly in this world. If you struggle with anxiety as well, please know you are not alone. We all, even those of us who don’t talk about it have felt it. My way may not work for you, but the point is not to be afraid of it. Face your fears, face your anxiety and find what helps you, because life is way too short, way too beautiful.

Life is something you want to experience, not just survive.