The Story of Us… <3| Dating, Marriage and almost Divorce

Saturday brings mine and Shaine’s eleventh wedding anniversary. Which brings me so many emotions, one of being HOLY SH!T! How is it even possible that we have been married for eleven years and together for the last twelve and a half? We are getting close to being together longer than we ever were apart, which is a whole other emotion. On this blog, I talk a lot about Shaine, our memories, our marriage but I don’t believe you know the full story of us. So in preparation for lucky number eleven, I thought I would take you through our timeline. Take you through some of the most important times, memories, and even a few of our darker times. You know the things that make us; in hopes, you get to know him, us and our crazy relationship a little bit better. Forewarning, it’s a bit of a novel rather than a blog post.

The beginning;

Shaine and I met when we were in high school. We went to a small school with under 300 students for the entire nine through twelfth grade. Everyone knew everyone, but you were not friends with everyone. If you didn’t run in the same circle as someone you didn’t really know them. This was exactly how it happened with Shaine and I. We had classes together, but had no idea until a few years later when we were already dating. What actually brought us together you ask? Well, that was a little well-known sport called competitive cheerleading… Yes, that is right, my sexy, bull-headed, Iraq war Army veteran was a high school cheerleader. At Potterville (our high school) there was little to do other than play sports. Most students were two if not three sports athletes. Shaine played football in the fall, wrestled in the winter and ran track in the spring. That was until his senior year of high school when he hurt his shoulder bad enough during football season he was unable to wrestle. Instead of just sitting out a season, a friend of his (ours) talked him into coming to “try-out” for cheerleading. You would think his initial thought would have been HELL NO, but instead, it was HELL YES. Why would any high school boy, not join cheerleading? Cute girls, tight skirts and placing your hands where they shouldn’t be but in cheerleading had to be. Like most sports, once you were in season, you hung out with your teammates over anyone else. You practiced together, competed together and yes, partied together.

So one night in late 2005, Shaine and I were both at a hotel party. All of our other friends had coupled up leaving Shaine, myself, and two other guy friends. I distinctly remember one of my girlfriend looking at me and saying “What about Shaine? He’s a cute guy. I say you go for it.” At the time we were still not interested in each other, honestly barely ever spoke, but here we were, the only single people left. After a few drinks, I said why not! This story sounds like it could go one way, but trust me it didn’t. I was the definition of a tease; I loved to flirt, loved to keep him guessing, just to leave at the end of the night, without rounding any additional “bases.” And that is exactly what I did. From that night on, we were always “together”. At practice, sitting together on the bus to away games, after school, weekends, etc. The best part though no one knew. There was a stigma against male and female cheerleaders dating. It never ended well and always brought unnecessary drama. We were determined to be different. November, December, January all went by and we finally made it official. We always had a crush on each other, but we never really talked about what we were, until February of 2006. We were officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

It took until the end of March until everyone realized that we were together. No one at school had any idea outside of our immediate friends/teammates. That year was great for us. The strength, height, and drama-free attitudes of all three guys help propel us to the state championship. — Side note, we, unfortunately, did not place well at states, because unknown to us we performed a college level stunt, which was illegal in the high school world and gave us a huge penalty. — Anyways, since the season was long, Shaine and I had a ton of time together. We became very close and really started to fall in love.

Every teenager thinks about how they think they are going to lose their virginity. If they will be nervous? Who will it be with? If it will hurt? Well, I can tell you I never thought I would lose MY virginity while wearing my high school cheerleading uniform, to my cheerleader boyfriend, who would eventually become my husband, in his childhood bunk-bed. And if that is not bad enough, I cried. Yes, ugly cried as we finished, after we got dressed and the entire bus ride to our game that night. No one and I mean no one other than Shaine had any idea why I was crying. Until, probably now. Even though it was not like I pictured, it was with a guy who still to this day has proven to be nothing short than an amazing guy. Which as someone who hopes to be a mom one day, is all I can hope for.

The chapter without him;

Shaine graduated in May of 2006. I was there for his senior prom, his graduation, and his open house. We were very committed to each other but still very independent. That is something that has never changed with us. We both are very busy people. We don’t sit still well and love to be busy. The summer following his graduation he went back to working with his dad doing construction, I was working my summer-time job preparing for my senior year of high school. We made time for each other on the weekends but we still spent time apart with our friends and family. Throughout our entire relationship I always knew Shaine was going to join the Army after high school, but I never really thought about what life would look like. I was too busy being wrapped up in applying to colleges and figuring out my own life. That was until August 2006 when he left….. The night before he shipped out to basic training he had to go and get sworn in. I was there. He then went to a hotel where we spent what I consider our first night apart. I was able to see him the next day while he finished his in-processing and at the airport one last time. Sitting in the airport with him felt like I was continuously being punched in the stomach over and over again. I was losing my best friend. That day is when the notes started, I wrote him a note and he did the same. Eventually, after one last kiss, he was off.

Thank god, for my friend Jessi who had just done the exact same thing with her boyfriend a week prior. She came with me and drove me home, which looking back is one of the best decisions I had made. My eyes were so swollen from crying already but the tears just didn’t stop. I moped and I mean moped around the house for the next two days. I missed him but knew I need to look ahead and enjoy my senior year. Days turned into weeks, into months. I was doing it. I was living my life without him while still writing him and keeping him updated on everything. In November of 2006, he had finally graduated from basic and advanced training which meant we (his family and I) could finally see him.

I drove down with his parents and his brother to Georgia to watch him, graduate. Holy crap, those two days we were there was such a culture shock. Living in Michigan I was never really around any military bases or large groups of soldiers. But seeing him walk across that field in his military uniform was one of the sexiest, proudest things I had ever seen. From that moment on I knew the military would be part of my life one way or another. After his graduation, we got to bring him back home to Michigan before he moved on to his first duty station. Which as our luck would have it was Baumholder, Germany. You know one of the farthest places from Michigan. It was not just a long weekend road-trip away, it took some serious time, money and commitment to get there. Oddly enough we never really talked about what we would do, how our relationship would handle it. We just knew that we loved each other a lot, and I mean a lot a lot and were willing to make it work. He was home for a glorious two weeks. We spent every moment I was not busy with school or cheerleading together, including some weekend nights when I was staying at “Jenny’s house.” Sorry, mom. On his last night, we went out to dinner and then back to his dad’s house. He gave me one of the sweetest and most unexpected gifts to date; my promise ring. Apparently earlier that day he went to the jewelry store knowing he was going to leave with a ring. The debate was whether it should be an engagement ring or a promise ring. Well as much as I love my promise ring, my engagement ring followed just a few months later. So –looking back he probably could have saved himself some money.

Transcontinental love;

November turned to December, December turned to January. He had been gone for two almost three whole months. Not much had changed other than our outrageous phone bills, sleepless nights trying to work around a six-hour time change. He was over in Germany “working” aka partying until the wee hours of the morning and training for his upcoming deployment. I was living my life as a 17-year old senior, partying on the weekends, studying during the week. We both were busy having fun but we never felt excluded from the other person’s life. I would call and talk to his friends, as if they were my friends, he would talk to my friends as if he was still home. Our new normal became easy for us. Sure we (mostly I) still had days where we were depressed and really missed each other but knew we would figure it out eventually. And on February 14, 2007, we did just that. We were talking on the phone early that morning just about typical life stuff, probably me whining about school, my friends, not having him home when he, very nonchalantly says “You know, if you want to move here all we have to do is get married.”  EXCUSE ME WHAT? Should have been my reaction but I just simply said: “Ok, let’s do it”. A few days later he bought my engagement ring online, shipped it to his mom’s house and she delivered it to me.

And after that most of my memory goes blank. The next few months, all I remember is a lot of fighting. Fighting with my parents, fighting with teachers, other students and random adults of the community. It was like all of a sudden everyone was against us. Living in a small town everyone chips in and takes care of each other but they also chime in when there is something they do not agree with. And very few people agreed with our marriage. Back then and even now I understood why everyone was so passionate about why we shouldn’t get married. We had only been together for just over a year, but have been physically separated for the past six months, which meant we really only had a full six months together. Was that enough? Was I going to throw away any of my potential just to chase a guy across the Atlantic? Was it just puppy love? You know that high school this is going to last forever, delusional love? — Regardless of their opinions I was tired of hearing it. Every day, day in and day out someone had something to say. An adult at my high school literally looked at me one day and said: “You know, by marrying him (Shaine) you are going to fuck up your life.” HOW DO YOU EVEN RESPOND TO THAT?

I responded by going home every night and crying to Shaine. And because of that experience, I learned to have thick skin. I learned to stick up for myself, to not be afraid of confrontation, to be 100% in on all of my decisions. Still to this day, if Shaine and I ever get divorced who is going to have to deal with it? Will that person from my high school? Will those other students who started drama with me? Will my parents? The answer is and has always been NO. No one but Shaine and I will have to deal with it. And that is what got me through. Knowing I had to see this through, at the time marry him was the right decision for me and come hell or high water I was going to do it. On the morning of April 1st, I woke up to a card on my pillow. The card read:

“Amanda, I am realizing now that your father and I raised a strong, independent, bull-headed daughter. I realize marry Shaine is something you want more than anything, so let’s make it happen. I do not want to fight with you anymore. I love you with all of my heart. Love, Mom”

Those few words about broke me. Finally, I had the support of my parents. And from that day forward we started planning our wedding. As exciting as the wedding planning was the stress of graduating and all that came along with it started to set in. My senior prom came and went, without him. My 18th birthday came and went, my high school graduation, you guessed it, came and went. I was so sad. I was depressed and a downright bitch to be around. I was thankful to have my friends, family and a bit of alcohol by my side but my best friend was missing. He was not there to celebrate such big milestones with me.

The wedding;

June 21, 2007, I was back at the airport but this time for happier times. I was finally getting to see Shaine, my fiance, after a little over seven months apart. And then just two days later we would be getting married!!!!! The rehearsal was awesome, everyone was so happy and more supportive than I could have ever dreamed. As we went to say goodnight, I had my first ever bridezilla moment. I refused to leave Shaine for the night. I had just gotten him back, I was not about to sacrifice one whole night without him. But like most things, him, my mom and a few girlfriends consoled me, told me to just go straight to bed, cuddle Sophie-Soph and when I woke up in the morning we would get to be together every night for the rest of our lives. Why I believed them I was unsure, but I feel asleep nonetheless.

The morning of the wedding I woke up, so incredibly calm, excited but calm. I felt like for the first time in my eighteen years of life I was exactly where I needed to be. Everyone started getting ready; hair was done, makeup done, dress on. Around me everyone was getting so anxious, so nervous but I was chill. I just sat back, yes sat, in my wedding dress, that is a whole other story, and waited until they told me I could start walking. With my dad by my side, they open the doors and there he was. My handsome, hunky, tough military guy with a huge smile on his face waiting for me. Right then is when I got butterflies.

The ceremony went off like anything that involves me. A little serious, a little funny. After the ceremony, a long fun night of drinking, dancing and celebrating followed. Even though we were both underage there was no way in hell we were not going to drink at our own wedding, plus my dad and I both strongly believe that any man that can fight for our country deserves to drink in it too. Once the reception was wrapping up, my HUSBAND and I left for our hotel. Waking up in the morning I remember rolling over to him and saying: “You know, now even our grandmas know we have sex now…” Why that was my first thought is something I will never understand. Later that day we left for our mini-honeymoon. We headed up to Mackinaw Island for two nights. Getting away as husband and wife was so nice. I was so proud to call him my husband and seeing that ring on his finger was just the cherry on top. Tuesday morning we packed up and headed home. The four-hour drive home was so fun, but still very depressing, we both knew what was coming. We had been living in a fantasy world for the past five days but the next morning all that would change. We had to get back to real life; him in Germany and me in Michigan, with no end in sight.

Life as a military wife;

After a long emotional night, Wednesday morning had arrived, ready or not. We got dressed, drove to the airport and once again a dramatic, tear-filled goodbye followed. This goodbye was different. He was still the same guy I’ve said goodbye to twice before but that ring on his left hand changed everything. The fact that he was going to be deploying within the next two months and not knowing when or if I would see him again, tore me apart. I had just had the best week of my life and then just like that it was almost like it had never happened. I followed my typical pouting routine; drove home, cried, slept, cried some more. After a day or two, life got back to “normal”. Late night phone calls, constant check-ins and remember how to do life without him next to me. In July he had to go into the field to train one last time before he was set to deploy in August. August came, and guess what? Still no deployment, it got pushed back to December. The minute he told me that, I knew it was time. My time to finally move and be with my husband. Shaine and my parents were against me moving to Germany right after the wedding because I would have only been there a week maybe two before he left for training and then the deployment. He did not want to do that to me, however, once I heard I could have two maybe three months with him, it was on. Going back to what my mom’s note said to me “You are an independent, bull-headed girl.” I woke up on Wednesday morning and started calling ANYONE and anyone I could think. I had to get orders to fly to Germany, orders so I was able to bring our stuff with me. Since Michigan does not have a large military presence this was a lot harder than you would think, but call, after call, person after person, I did it. Still no idea how, but I managed to get orders for me to fly out in three days! Yes, THREE DAYS! I called Shaine at midnight to let him know. He was happy because he knew we would finally get to be together but holy shit did that man have a whole hell of a lot to do.

September 1, 2007, was the day. The day I stepped on my first international flight by myself and really started our married life. The night before I threatened Shaine that if he was not the first person I saw as I stepped off that plane that I would then just turn around and get back on. Funny thing about international flights is you have to get your luggage, go through customs before you see anyone. So here I am, a small town mid-western girl, at the young age of eighteen, in a foreign country trying to not get lost. Thankfully I found a nice German man that I sat next to on the plane that helped me every step of the way. On the plane ride over, I told him our story. How this was the first time we were finally going to live together. He cleared customs before me and asked if I wanted him to wait. I thanked him but told him I think I had it from here. As he walked through the gate to finally see all the people waiting for us, he walked up to Shaine, shook his hand and said: “Your wife will be right out” and then walked away. Can you even imagine Shaine’s face when this happened?

The first few days were a whirlwind. I had to in-process, learn to navigate my new home, learn to drive a stick shift and get used to living in an apartment off base! If that was not enough, four days after I arrived Shaine was gone. He was sent to the field for training. The morning he left I had to take him to the barracks where he would get on the bus. Driving there I was so proud of myself, I didn’t stall, I didn’t cry, it was overall a successful trip until I had to drive home. Driving to our apartment I was emotion, shocking, but didn’t realize I drove right by our apartment building. I tried to put our car in reverse but kept failing. In our BMW you had to push it all the way to the left and then up, similar to how you put the car in first. Well, that is exactly what I kept doing. First gear over and over again. After about fifteen minutes of trying and failing, I called Shaine. That poor man had to take a taxi from the barracks to our apartment, put the care in reverse and then move it down four spots so it was in front of our apartment. Just to turn around and take the taxi back to the bus. Talk about embarrassing.

The next few weeks went better. I got a job, enrolled in college, made some friends and then got us a new apartment. Living off base was horrible. I loved our apartment but I just didn’t feel safe. I had two neighbors; one Russian and the other Polish. Which meant the small, and I mean small, amount of German I knew was useless. Thanks to my bull-headedness I succeed in getting us a new apartment. When Shaine came home six weeks later I picked him up ready to show off. I stayed in the driver seat and drove him to our new apartment, which he knew nothing about. I also informed him of all of the other accomplishments that I had made while he was gone, and asked him to just jump right into our life.

See you soon;

The following months we amazing. We were living together, working, living life as a real married couple and it felt amazing. The deployment kept getting pushed back month after month. However, come April of 2008 there was no more avoiding it. It was finally time. Time for the biggest test of our relationship. Before he left we made the choice for me to stay in Germany during his deployment. Living overseas it is very expensive for the Army to move families back and forth so much, so there was a rule if you left during the deployment they would not pay to bring you back. Since I had a job, school, and friends, we decide that it was best I stay and keep life going. When he got back we could pick right back up where we left off. The deployment was not fun, however, while I remember being very sad most of the time, I also remember taking the time he was gone to really find myself. Let myself mature and grow. Yes, I was sad, scared, lonely, but those fourteen months he was gone allowed me to prove to myself that I was strong, confident, independent enough to be there and support him. I traveled, spent time friends, worked and patiently waited near my phone or laptop waiting for him to reach out.

The entire deployment we only spoke on the phone twice. That is fourteen months of only hearing his voice twice. Instead, we would message. The lines for the phones were always so much longer than the lines for the computer, so we choose quantity over quality.

In January of 2009, he got his R&R leave. He flew back to Michigan where I was there waiting for him. We spent his 21st birthday back home with our friends and family and then headed to Myrtle Beach, South Caroline for a week. R&R was everything we needed. It had been so long since we’d seen each other, but to my surprise, we picked up right where we left off. He was home, safe and all mine for the next two weeks. It was on R&R we decided to start trying for a baby. Of course, it was a long shot since it would be such a short window of opportunity, but anything was better than nothing. The two weeks ended as quickly as they started. He flew back to Iraq, I went back to Germany, with no bun in the oven.

We knew the hardest part was over. We were way past the mid-way part of the deployment so in a few months, he would be home. And just like that June of 2009, he came home. After almost fifteen months apart he was home, my babe was home.

We celebrated and man did we celebrate. We celebrated my birthday, our first anniversary, and everything else he missed. For our second anniversary, he surprised me with a trip to Rome. Before we got married we talked about things we wanted to do together and travel has always been something we both love. He had the entire month of July off, so we spent a lot of time relaxing, partying with our friends and just celebrating being together.

Fast-forward to a few months later when I was sitting in our living room doing my math homework. All of a sudden something popped into my head. A thought that I just knew was true, something I didn’t believe could be true but already knew it was. I was pregnant. While we talked about trying for a baby back in January/February we decided to put that dream on hold now that he was home because we were having too much fun partying and just enjoying being married. However, even with contraception, someone had other plans.

Heartbreak, heading home and healing;

Sharing the news with Shaine that we were going to be parents was comical. He was playing video games with his friends back in Michigan and informed him we needed to talk. Of course whenever a girl says that any guy gets nervous and starts to rethink their actions for the past few months. I showed him the test and his first initial response was: “No, that’s not real, take another one”. And so I did… ten test later, it was official we were going to be parents. I went to the doctor a few days later and they learned I was a lot farther along than I thought I was. After blood work, multiple ultrasounds it was determined I was always 16 weeks along. Umm, ok… This has really happened. I remember my first emotions of pure fear. I was afraid to tell our family, our friends. When we told them we were getting married it didn’t go over so well but now here we are nineteen and twenty-one about to have a baby. After a week or two we finally worked up the courage to share the news with everyone. Everyone and I mean everyone was so happy for us, it was the complete opposite reaction that I was expecting. However, we did not have long to bask in the glory of it all before I started to bleed. And if you have been following this blog for a while you know what happened next. We lost our first baby at 18 weeks and some odd days. The situation as a whole was heartbreaking but to then be in a foreign country, in a military hospital without any family was emotional in its self.

Before we lost the baby we had talked about me moving home and giving birth in Michigan. Shaine was set to get out of the military in August of 2010, four years after he joined, and we figured it was best for me to get home first, find a job, a house and be settled before the baby comes. The plan didn’t change even after the miscarriage.

In January of 2010, I left Germany once and for all. Moving home meant I had to bring all our household goods with me while Shaine moved back into the barracks. The first month of me being home was great. I was so excited to be able to read all the signs, drive to areas I was familiar with and to be with my family and friends again. However, at the two-month mark things started to change. Shaine was partying a lot more, not communicating as well as he used to. We started to become very distant towards each other. We were obviously still in love but something was different, something was wrong, very wrong. We ignored it until he came home for one last visit in June of 2010. However, once we were face to face again we both could feel the anger, the disconnect but we not sure why. We put on our happy faces and just figured it would get better when he was home for good.

In October 2010, he was finally home, ten months after I moved home we were reunited. Ready to face the world together, be a true married couple that didn’t have to dread the next separation. The fighting continued, the partying got worse. I felt as if I was married to a seventeen-year-old kid who just wanted to whatever the fuck he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. And he felt like he was married to an old-hag who didn’t know how to have fun anymore. December 2010, three and a half years after our wedding, five years since we began our relationship Shaine told me he wanted a divorce. I was crushed, heartbroken, and felt betrayed. How dare this guy come home after four years of me being faithful to him, and have him end it right as we were about to start living a normal life. I refused to accept it. I told him to go visit one of his military friends in upstate New York for a week and I would go visit my friend, Jen, in Connecticut for a week. Those two weeks we would not speak, not cheat but give each other a taste of what life would be apart. And you know what? We both came back with tears in our eyes and realized we could do life without each other, but we didn’t want too.

The next few years were great. We settled into life as a normal married couple. We went out with our friends on the weekends, worked our jobs and went to school during the week, we were truly living the American dream. The military life was so far behind us it was like it never even happened. I couldn’t remember not having him home every night, not cooking dinner together. It was amazing, but like any couple, we had our fights and disagreements. Overall everything was good, until one day, I snapped…

It was sometime during the winter of 2011 and the spring of 2012. Nothing changed in our relationship other than me. We started fighting a lot because honestly, this was the longest we had ever been together. We had been dating for six years, married for four and a half, but we didn’t know how to live together. We had always been in the “honeymoon phase.” We would only live together for six months at a time before he would leave to go train. So now that he has been out for over a year, we were honestly getting sick of each other. There was one specific fight, I have no idea what we were even fighting about but I looked at him and said “When the fuck are you going to leave again? I just need some space“. And while writing this I know how harsh it sounds, but it was exactly how I felt. I was angry, so angry that a year prior he tried to leave me, I thought I deserved better. Instead of him leaving me, maybe I should leave him. Those thoughts overran my life. Every moment of every day I was thinking about how much I resented him, resented the pain he put me through. One night I looked him square in the face and said: “I’m done I can’t do this anymore, I need you to file for divorce.” And he responded with “No if you want it so bad, you have to be the one to do it.” — I appreciated him so much at that moment because he knew me well enough to know I was not strong enough to file, it was not something I truly wanted. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. And just like we did the year prior we worked through it. We buckled down focused on our relationship and what we meant to each other.

Big city, big dreams, big commitment;

The next few years were pretty uneventful in the marriage department. We were both so busy. I was busy working and finishing up respiratory school. As he was working long hours on construction sites with his dad. We had moved out of our many apartments and into our beautiful first home. Like any relationship, you have ups and downs. The night before we closed on our first house I sat in our bedroom and just sobbed. I was scared, scared to wake up the next morning and sign the mortgage docs. This was going to be the first HUGE thing we’ve ever done together. While we had been married for six years, buying this house felt permanent. That no matter our issues this investment indebted us to each other. The house we bought was a house in Potterville (our hometown) which for me seemed to be perfect. It was close to family because we (I mostly) knew kids would be the next chapter in our life. After losing our first baby back in 2009, we had always said we would wait to have children until we’d been married ten years. Why ten years? No idea, maybe the fact we figured we’d have life figured out by then. As the ten-year mark got closer and closer things between us got rocky again. And this time, not anything to do with anger more like complacency. We went from husband and wife to more glorified roommates that banged from time to time. I felt stuck. In May of 2015, I received an amazing opportunity that allowed me to spread my wings and fly. I received a job offer from Rush University in Chicago, Illinois to be part of their pediatric respiratory therapy department. I was THRILLED. However, I had more than just me to think about. I was a married lady of eight years, with a husband, a mortgage, an established life. How do I just pick up and move? The answer was simple, you just do. To my surprise, Shaine was more supportive than any husband should have been. He vowed we’d make it work and I need to move there and try it.

On our eighth wedding anniversary, we spent the day moving me into my tiny studio apartment in downtown Chicago. For the next three months, we would make the drive to see each other every weekend. Either I would come to Michigan or he would come to Chicago. The reason this move is important is because that three-month separation taught us both something important. We learned that we can easily live without each other but we DO NOT WANT TO. After three months I decided while I loved my job in Chicago, I loved my family more. The idea of living in our hometown and starting a family there was greater than anything else.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage?

Over the next year, we both really settled into our new normal. Normal for me was working nights, weekends and holidays. As normal for him consisted of working long daytime hours. In the Fall of 2016, I started to not feel so well. Nothing like the flu, cold or allergies, just off. I decided it was like time to take my birth control out. It was about nine months until our ten-year anniversary date and since my birth control was starting to make me feel odd I figured why the hell not. I was very honest with Shaine about what I was doing and he seemed on board. The first few months went by with no change. We had sex regularly, but I also got my period regularly. I would talk about the fact we were “trying” and failing only to have him respond by saying “well why? I don’t want kids. I’m happy with our life now.” — Talk about a shot through the heart. Here I am so focused on expanding our family to learn he didn’t feel the same. Well fuck, now what? Having children is not exactly something you can compromise on. Over the next months, we would have some serious conversations. Conversations that always ended with me in tears. He was so stuck on not having children and I was so obsessed with expanding our family. We were at a standstill. Just as things got tough we left for our ten days in Ireland to celebrate our ten anniversary. Ireland was exactly what we needed. Being that Shaine and I started our relationship just the two of us without many friends or family by our side we have always thrived in an environment when it was just us. Ireland did that, we were able to have fun, be carefree not think about the stresses of home. When we returned home things were great we continued living life not stressing about children until one day, when I saw two pink lines looking back at me.

Holy shit I was pregnant. I laughed, I cried, hell I almost threw up. This was real, no more debate, we were finally going to be parents. I was so nervous to tell Shaine but to my surprise, he handled it well. He will never be the guy that jumps up and down and cries when I tell him, but he wasn’t angry either, so I took that as a win. But once again, this pregnancy wasn’t meant to be. We lost the baby and almost lost-one of Fallopian tubes all in one night. (If you are interested in learning more about that, check out my separate blog post here.) The recovery from our second loss was harder than our first. Shaine’s attitude on not having kids only continued to grow. Him having to sit back and watch me struggle emotionally and physically was a lot. A huge reason not go through with it, whereas those same struggles only made me want a child more. Many conversations, many tears, even some knockdown, drag-out fights and we are still at a standstill. I want children, he likes our life as it is. Marriage is about compromise. And after months we finally came to just that. We will continue to try, but not obsess over it. If we are lucky enough to be blessed with a child we will but if it’s not in the cards then, that’s ok too.

Lucky number eleven;

First, let me start off by saying I’m sorry this was more of a novel than a blog, but when you have the history we do, it’s important to focus on each chapter. We haven’t had it easy. We have been faced with many struggles, some that I didn’t even write about. But each time we come out ahead. We come out the other side hand in hand ready to take on the next one. Has there been times we’ve both waited to give up? Oh hell yes but the thing I love most about us is that we haven’t! We are two very different, very independent people who fell in love at a young age. Two people who made a promise the night before our wedding that we would only do this once. That getting married young would not stop us from being that “real life married couple” we always knew we were, and others needed to meet.

Shaine allows me to be my dorky, outspoken, bull-headed, outgoing, ditzy self. I allow him to be independent, introverted, and his spontaneous self. While we both have changed over the years we never tried to change each other. We have always been those two teenagers who fell in love. Who love being together but value being apart. Who fight and fight hard when they believe in something. Those who struggle to find things in common. Those who at the end of the day only want to roll over and see the other person laying right next to them. We are not perfect, never claimed to be or aim to be but what I do know, is we work and that is enough perfection for me.

Shaine, you have always pushed me, challenged me, infuriated me, loved me and supported me. While we both have our flaws (you could definitely load the dishwasher more, tell me I’m beautiful more and watch sports with me more. I could work on being less needy and emotional) but for all those things we make up for it in love, understanding, and kindness. You have always had my back and are willing to listen. You embrace my flaws, you play off my strengths and help me with weaknesses. We may not have the perfect marriage but I am damn proud to say that we are here, eleven years later through the triumphs and tears standing side by side. Here’s to the past decade plus. I love you more than you know.