It is no secret that I attest a lot of who I am today to the experiences I went through when Shaine and I were newly married. Those few short months after we got married I had to grow up and grow up fast. I went from a clueless high school senior to a wife, a caretaker, an accountant, a maid, a chef, a friend and a world traveler all within three short months. And while I appreciate Shaine being there and supporting me through all of those times, the truth is he was not the one who was truly there supporting me day in and day out. That support role was taken over by fellow military spouses, who quickly developed into some of my best of friends.
Making friends as an adult is hard, so hard I plan to write a post specifically on this matter because DAMN this is something so many of us struggle with, but this post is not intended to explain that. This post is here to talk about the one avenue in life where making friends is easy, essential and expected. I’m talking about friendships you gain while living the life of military servicemember and family. Every few years you are ripped from your comfort zone you gown to love, only to be placed in a new city, with new people. Each move there is something different. Job opportunities are not the same, housing standards are not the same. The only thing that is the same is the basic human need to make friends. The need for people to feel like they belong to something; belong to a group of people, this is how military friendships are built. Some of the most dependable friendships a person will ever experience. Does this discredit the bonds outside of the military? No of course not, they are just on two different levels that is hard for people to understand until they have experienced
Take me for example; I found out I was going to be moving to Germany at the end of August 2007. To say I was excited would be an understatement. I was so ready to be the wife I knew I could be. To wake up in the same bed as my husband and just start our life together. That excitement I showed helped to hide the fear I was suppressing. The fear of only having my husband to lean on, the fear of who I would spend my free time with, the fear of living an ocean away from everyone I loved. In true Amanda fashion, I decided not to sit back and let the fear overtake me; I would meet it head on and make friends with anyone who wanted to befriend me. Now remember this is back in 2007 when Myspace ran the show, Facebook was still very new, and no one used it as they do now. I went on Myspace one night and typed Baumholder, Germany in the search bar. To my surprise tons of people popped up, people from all walks of life. As I sat there, I scrolled and scrolled judging every profile I came across. My criteria were this:
- Pretty
- Young 20’s
- Preferably no kids
- Married to a soldier
- NO joint Myspace — FOR REAL. This criterion was one of the hardest because what if the wife thought I was hitting on her man when in reality I just wanted to be her friend.
- And last but most important didn’t look like they wanted to murder me while I was sleeping.
Now I do not think that was too much to ask for, but believe it or not, it was harder than I thought. Until I came across a girl name, Diana Austin. I stalked, and I mean stalked her profile so much, I started to feel like I knew her “friends” before I even knew her. After much research, I decided to reach out, because to me I honestly had nothing to lose if she didn’t write back then oh well right? Baumholder had to be big enough I would never see her. Right? WRONG. Diana worked at the only bank on base which meant she saw just about everyone at one time or another. (But we will get to that.) I went ahead and wrote Diana a simple message stating something like:
“Hi, my name is Amanda and my husband Shaine is a soldier stationed in Baumholder. I am getting ready to move out there but was just looking for advice from some girls on things to know, things to do, the places to see, etc.? If you have any advice or are willing to help me, please let me know. Thank you, Amanda.”
I was so proud of myself. I reached out to Diana and now all I had to do was wait. And wait, and wait. If ya’ll know anything about me, I am a very impatient person. I like to plan; I love it when my plan works and when people fit into my plan. So the fact that Diana did not reach back out to me as quickly as I wanted her to, it made me mad. Not at her, but at the fact that I must have said something wrong or maybe she used the same criteria as I did. However while I thought she was a sweet person, perhaps she got the kill you in your sleep vibes from me, who knows. So I decided to reach out to a few more ladies. And thankfully those ladies reach back out to me instantly, and all was right with the world. I knew that once I landed in Germany, I would have my husband and at least one friend so that life would be good.
Fast-forward about three days after my initial message to Diana and the chick FINALLY wrote back:
“Hi Amanda, so excited to hear you are moving here. My husband, Justin, and I have not been here that long either but I am more than happy to help you. When you get to Baumholder, you should come out with Justin and me along with a few of our friends.”
Or something along those lines. Regardless of the words, I knew I was in. While I spent the next week packing up my stuff in Michigan Shaine went about his life in Germany. Going to work, going out, to the gym but funny enough also going to the bank. One day he was at the bank just minding his own business trying to get money out to spend at the bars (naturally, that was seriously all there was to do in Baumholder). The bank teller, aka Diana, called him over and after she was done performing his transaction instead of saying is there anything else I can do for you she said: “I know your wife.” And of course, his initial response was “Excuse me, what?” But his brain was saying how in the hell could this crazy bitch know Amanda; she is not even here yet. Diana proceeded to tell him that once I get in we all are going to hang out and be friends. Shaine just humored her and says “Oh, that’s awesome” while hurrying away. — He honestly should have taken that interaction as a hint of how the rest of his life would go because I can not begin to tell you how many other times things like that would happen to him. I am without a doubt the spontaneous, outgoing one and he pays the price for it daily.
It is now September of 2007, I have been in Germany for probably a week or so and have met some pretty impressive people. I went over to my very first friend, D’avona’s house, who also happened to be the first one to respond to my message I spoke about before. While D’avona was one of the most welcoming people I have ever met, she was also extremely pregnant and due to give birth any day. Which was hard for me, as I still concerned myself a child, so I had NO clue what to say to her or things we could do together. While our friendship never really got off the ground, we are still Facebook friends to this day, and I love watching her family blossom. Especially her oldest daughter because seeing how big her daughter gets helps to put life into perspective on much has happened since those military days. — Another angle I had not considered would be all of the other wives in Shaine’s company I would become friends with. I went from being afraid of not having any friends to being overloaded with friends; I didn’t know how to manage my time.
However one Friday night I got a call from Diana inviting me over to her house. She was having a few friends over for drinks and wanted to know if I would be interested. I honestly wasn’t sure if I wanted to go. I had already met a lot of great people, and was a bit intimidated to walk into an apartment full of people who knew each other and be the only “new girl.” Oddly enough my introvert of a husband was the one who talked me into going. Walking in I was so nervous but knew the worst thing that would happen is I would drink their booze, free booze mind you and then call Shaine to come pick me up, truly no harm. The minute I opened that door Diana was so welcoming. Gave me a big hug, got me a drink and just started to get to know me. It was like she had known me for years. However, there was this other girl named, Jen who was the opposite. Jen was the definition of a mean girl. Giving me the side-eye, not super friendly, just putting out vibes of unwelcomingness all night. Remember how I said I stalked Diana’s Myspace for hours before messaging her? Well, I had seen Jen multiple times and thought how she looked like she’d be an entertaining person, but she had that dreaded joint Myspace page. Which meant I didn’t dare to reach out to her. But here she was, right in front of me. As the night went on, I just tried to ignore her. Diana and I were standing on the porch when Jen walked out. She looked right at me and said “You’re lucky you are pretty. We only hang out with pretty people.” UMMMMMMM “Thank you?” I replied with the most unsure tone of voice. Jen went on to say “How I was not allowed to take her friend, Diana away from her.” There was so much more said, but I honestly don’t remember it all. Many drinks and hours later, I called Shaine to come pick me up. He asked me how it went, and my only response was “They are absolutely nuts, but I think we might have just become best friends.” After that night we were inseparable, especially Jen and I oddly enough. Jen was my ride or die, always up for an adventure of any kind. We would put Matty, her toddler-aged son, in the stroller, Sophie in the basket and off we went. Diana was my drinking buddy. She was two years older than me, had no kids and determined to make me like beer. Fun fact, twelve years later, she still has succeeded.
This story is so important because it has been almost twelve years since we met and this past month we all including our families went to Gatlinburg, TN for a long weekend together. It was the first time we all have been in the same place at the same time in ALMOST NINE YEARS! Nine years that is three times as long as we all lived near each other but you know what? Nothing had changed. It was as if I had seen them a week prior. We just picked up where we left off. All our inside jokes were still there; all our memories came flooding back. And within those nine years, there has been some serious change. Jen got divorced from ex-husband Matt and re-married to her fantastic husband Will. Diana and Justin have moved four times and are now expecting their first baby. Shaine and I have left military life. Jen’s kids Matty and Hailey are massive humans now, unlike the last time when Jen was still breastfeeding Hailey and Matty was a terror. So much has changed but our friendship has genuinely remained the same. They were the first people I called when I lost Sophie; they were the first ones who knew about my most recent miscarriage. Hell, I even was on FaceTime with Jen when I told Shaine about the baby. They know everything about me and still love me for it. They have been there in the good times and the bad. They would drop anything and get on a plane if something tragic happened. Below are some pictures from our most recent trip. This trip has given us the motivation we needed to plan an annual “family” trip every year. Watch each other’s kids grow up, watch as we each get more and more wrinkles as the years go on.
I am willing to bet that any of my military friendships would be like this, I just use Jen and Diana as an example because I am closest to them. Like I said at the beginning of this post, I’m not discrediting any of my other friendships because I genuinely have great ones, but there is something about the ladies I met while living as a military wife that cannot be explained. We have all been through hell together. All sweated through deployments, field training, birthdays, anniversaries, births, deaths, real lie struggles with each other because our spouse was gone. We all shared the same fear, but never spoke of it. We only celebrated life’s successes. And to have that many women in such a small community who loved and supported each other was terrific. Was their drama, of course, but looking back I genuinely do not remember it. I just remember all of us, smiling, drinking, laughing, drinking some more and enjoying life together.
Below I have listed pictures of the other important military wives/friends in my life:
To: Jen, Diana, Katja, Emily, Charlotte, Lea, Holly, Lori, Jannan, Hollis, D’vaona, Becky, Jenny, Megan, Samantha, Jillian and anyone else I may have missed — THANK YOU. Thank you for showing me true friendship at such a young age. Thank you for reminding me how lucky I am to have friends everywhere and in all walks of life. It has been years since we all have left Baumholder and while we all will never live together again, I will always cherish those years we have and thank you all for being part of my life. <3