Dear Diary: I don’t want to grow up.

You know how when I was younger I would write to you and wish to grow up? Well, I take that back. I don’t want to grow up anymore. — Not because I don’t have a good life but because adulting is hard. Bills suck, friends change, and life is never what you imagined. Tonight is one of those nights. A night I just sit here and think. Think about all the things I can’t control.

The calendar may show November, but the pain from October is still very real. Not only the remaining but emotions from my loss but pain others are experiencing too. So many people are losing those they love. I get this is life, but why? Why must bad thing happen to such good people? A mother lost her unborn child; a boyfriend lost his girlfriend, a friend lost her sister, a child almost lost their parent and families are losing their pets. Yes, I know that’s a weird twist, but it’s true. Pets are sometimes better companions than any person. Losing a pet is just as hard. And lastly, without getting all political (because that is one topic we do not discuss) why must all those innocent people who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time die? The country music fans of Las Vegas, the church congregation in Texas, I could go on and on. Why? Why them?

And what about the people that didn’t physically die but it feels like they did? You know, those once-important relationships that have dwindle into an unrecognizable place. A place where the two of them no longer reside. Instead, they are just living parallel to each other, on the same earth but not in the same life or even what feels like the same planet. That sucks too!

I understand that with growing up comes fantastic benefits: independence, options, life experiences but what about the shitty side? The side where we are intelligent enough to understand what happened but not why. The side where you are expected to smile and move on like nothing is wrong. Well, tonight I can’t do that.

Tonight I’m sad. Tonight I’m envious of all the parents at Chuck E Cheese. Tonight I’m angry at all the friendships that have drifted. Tonight I feel sorrow for all those who are hurting. Tonight I’m being a human, tonight I’m expressing myself, and tonight I’m realizing that is ok.

Tonight I’m being a human, tonight I’m expressing myself, and tonight I’m realizing that is ok.

* When I use the word “tonight” I obviously wrote this last night when I was down.

As I said from the beginning this is a place for me to express myself, a place where others can hopefully relate and realize it is ok to say things that people might not want to hear. Feel things that typically go unseen. After writing this, I felt better. Well, that, puppy cuddles and a nice slice of pizza. That’s right, I broke my diet, I was vulnerable and you know what? I have no regrets.