Dear World: I have no words to describe my emotions; There are no words that can ease my pain

Posted on by Amanda

Dear World:

Seven years ago this month I lost our first baby, two weeks ago, I lost our second. I have no words to describe my emotions; There are no words that can ease my pain. I’m not asking for pity, I’m not taking any blame. I’m simply stating this is the reason for my recent pain.

Each of these experiences has taught me a different but extremely valuable lesson —

The first time, I was much farther along when I found out. Since I had already past that “golden 12 week” mark we figured it was “safe” to share the good news with the world, right? Wrong… the world didn’t care that I was 18 weeks, my baby was still gone. Shaine and I agreed the next time we got pregnant we would wait even longer to announce it because obviously, that would protect us. Well, guess what? We were wrong, again…

This time around I found out by accident. I was at the doctor trying to be a responsible woman and get my annual exam. The doctor walked in with a smile on her face and said: “Congratulations, you’re pregnant!” Her smile was met with laughter on my part. Those words were the last thing I was expecting to hear that day, none the less I was thrilled. Shocked but thrilled. While I was on an emotional high, my family was on an emotional low.  The very same day my grandfather was placed into hospice and would pass away less than a week later. I decided it wasn’t right to tell them. I would wait until the holidays (yes, that long) before I shared the happy news… However, that happy go lucky news I was supposed to share with them did a complete 180 and turned into my nightmare, again. But this time the situation was different, my health was put at risk. I had to call my very sleepy, unaware mother at 2:30 am and tell her what was going on. I informed her not only was I pregnant, but that was once again I was going to lose the baby and for the finale, I had to have emergency surgery to remove the baby from my fallopian tube.
Why do I bring this up? Because of today, October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. The first miscarriage I felt like I told people too “early”, the second time, I told everyone too “late”. If this is you or someone you know, it doesn’t really matter who chooses to says what, when. What matters is that we all have support throughout the process. Don’t be afraid to talk, don’t be afraid to feel, don’t be afraid to give yourself plenty of time to heal.

I am one of the lucky ones; I have the most amazing husband, the most comforting mother, an extremely supportive family and many loving friends. Plus a kickass doctor that has helped me almost every single day since then. As my physical pain begins to fade, my emotional pain will be handled day by day. If you can relate to me in any way, I am sorry. You know there are no words to describe the loss. Even if it was only a few days or if it was the entire pregnancy a loss is still a loss. It is important to remember to take time to heal and to take time to feel. After losing a pregnancy, an infant or even a grown child something inside of you changes. You will never go back to being the person you were before. It is a daily struggle. A struggle that is sometimes won and a struggle that is sometimes lost. Today might be a good day, tomorrow may be a bad day, but at least remember you are living to see another day. 🌿🌷

As a lover of quotes, these are a few that have helped me get through these past two weeks

For more information on this extremely important topic head over to:http://nationalshare.org

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Comments (2)
coping miscarriage pregnancy and infant loss TTC

2 Replies to “Dear World: I have no words to describe my emotions; There are no words that can ease my pain”

  1. Tracy says: Reply
    October 17, 2017 at 13:08

    Hang in there girl! My first miscarriage was ectopic and I felt like it lessened my chances of being a mom to a rainbow baby. Here I am now with rainbow twins that both managed to make it from the “ectopic” side to where they needed to be and are happy and healthy 2 years later.

    1. Amanda says: Reply
      October 18, 2017 at 18:23

      I just love the hope!!! So happy for you ❤️

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